"Make Lists"
Most stoners have terrible memories. You know it, I know, we all know it. It's an inevitability that we smokers have accepted. But you do not need to take this downside lying, well, down. Make lists! Always carry a pad and paper with you, or for the technology savvy who are fortunate enough to own phones with a notepad features, those will absolutely do in a pinch. So many fabulous ideas have come to us during a smoke session, and so many of those ideas have left shortly after. Writing things down help you remember them, and it will give us potheads a good name when we can actually recall the things we're supposed to.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Recycled Romance
So I'm just going to admit that I am a big fan of Valentine's Day. Now woa there, before you get all "It's just a commercialized excuse to make single people feel bad and couples spend money" on me, let me state that I reject all of that stuff. What I love is a holiday all about paper crafts, flowers, making things, telling people you love them, and possibly eating some chocolate along the way. It is essentially a holiday that sums up how I think the world should be. Also, fun fact: in medieval times people thought Valentine's day was the point in the spring when birds chose their mates. I love birds! I love mating! Anyway...
This year I am especially pleased with my valentines. I started by selecting a choice used romance novel, in this case Star by Danielle Steele. Thanks, Ms. Steele, and please do not be offended by my repurposing of your work. Using a template, I traced and cut a fat stack of hearts out of the torn out pages, then sewed them together using red and hot pink thread. I love how if you look at the hearts up close you can pick out some delightful romance-novelly phrases. The red thread has significance, too, based on a Chinese belief that people whose lives are destined to be connected are joined together by a red thread.
Hint: if you leave 6-10 inches of thread on the ends of your heart garland you can display it by wrapping each side around a nail and it becomes a decoration that will outlast the actual holiday.
No matter what your feelings on Valentine's day, nothing says love like handmade
--mac
Monday, February 1, 2010
Not Your Mother's Birthday Cake.
I've been making totally bizarro cakes long before I did any drugs. This art form didn't come out of me one day after a round of knife hits, but back in the days when I was still clear headed and innocent. I'd like to think it's been there all along, and something just needed to coax it out. That person was my best friend Justin.
Now I could probably write a novel on how awesome Justin is and why I love him, but in an effort to save time I'll just give you what you need to know: He's the best guy ever, if you don't know him well, your life probably sucks because of it.
Justin have been my best friend since I've been a freshman in high school. When his birthday had rolled around that year I decided that I wanted to make him something food related, because, if you know Justin, you know he is the one man for whom it is physically possible to eat continuously forever and ever. It's true. I've seen it.
I decided to make him a cake, and the idea stuck me to make a cake that looked like him. At the time he had the most ridiculously awesome 1 foot tall green mohawk, which we occasionally spiked with glitter glue. His face on a cake would look PERFECT. After attempting to draw endless stencils so that I might carve out a silhouette on a sheet cake, I realized I can't draw worth crap, and looked to other options. At Michael's Craft Store I found a mold for a 3d round cake, and the idea just snowballed from there. I baked the round cake, cut it and half and put it flat side down on a plate. I had his head. I baked a separate sheet cake and cut out triangular pieces, frosted them green, and had them run across the top of the head using toothpicks. I had the mohawk. I put some googly eyes on it, and nose, and Hot Damn! It looked like Justin. He loved the hell out of that thing, and ate every bite of it. I know picture proof of it exists somewhere, and once I find it, it will surely be posted here.
Our next project occurred 2 years later, for our friend Mike's Birthday. We were throwing him a surprise party at Justin's house while his parents were out of town (ahh our devious high school ways....expect for the fact that there was definitely no booze, and a ton of video games instead...so, not really). Mike loved He Man, so we decided his cake should include that. After going to Big Y and realizing the bakery did not make He Man cakes for kids, understandably so seeing as we were about 10 years too late for that fad, it dawned on us. A cake is just a big canvas. We could buy action figures and plastic trees and animals and make our own He Man cake! Brilliant!
Being cheap as we were at the time, we stopped at the local Dollar Store in hopes of finding He Man there. Of course he wasn't, as well as any other copyrighted character, but we did stumble upon something else. The Dollar Store had a cake decorating section, and in there was a package of babies. Tiny, plastic babies. For baby showers I'm sure....but we had other plans. We didn't know what that was, but we were confident in figuring it out. We procured a real He Man action figure from a real toy store, got some multicolored frosting, and went home to create.
Now I don't remember whose idea it was. But all of a sudden it was clear as day: He Man and the Day of Total Baby Destruction. We perched He Man in the middle of his battlefield, and in his fist he's clutching a tiny baby. We spent over an hour using steak knives to dismember the package of babies in various ways, sprinkling the limbs over our canvass. My favorite part was the "Happy Birthday Mike" written connected in blood, aka red cake gel, which is all connected to a dying baby crawling away from the scene with no legs.
If at this point you find yourself offended, I advise you to hit your "Back" button now.
Mike was speechless. I've never seen someone so happy about their birthday cake in my life. We didn't know it then, but we started something in my mind that day. Flash forward 7 years later, and it's Justin's birthday again. The Stoned Soup Club had taken it upon themselves to provide the cake, and Mac and I were brainstorming on what to do. All of a sudden I remembered what we had done in high school, and that we should bring that back. So we got in my car and went on a bone cruise to the Haven of Good Ideas, the Dollar Store. I had a theory about how the whole bizarro cake producing process worked, now that we were old enough to have been exposed to the wonderful world of drugs. Get high, and wander around the toy/cake decorating section aimlessly until the idea comes to you. Turns out, I was right. Worked every time.
For his birthday, we ended up with this lovely gem, titled "Creationism vs Evolution":
Yes, those are dinosaurs, and yes, they are eating bibles. The bibles we found were blank, so we gave a bunch of them out as assignments for the project to write something good on the inside. I don't remember any of them except "On the 8th day, he partied", but trust me, they were good. Now its hard to see on this, but behind the cactus and sign there is one dinosaur eating the other, which was included because we thought it looked too much like Science was trumping Religion, and we wanted to be diplomatic about the whole argument, so we added some inter species violence to balance things out. Also note the "Chicken vs Egg" debate in the lower right, which was inspired from a fast food play set. Since when are fried eggs fast food BTW? And PS, this is all much funnier if you know that Justin is actually Jewish.
For Mac's most recent birthday, I constructed "Fantasy Character Birthday Rave in G Minor":
I used glowsticks to form Mac's first initial, which I was secretly terrified was going to unbeknown to us leak in the cake and kill everyone who ate it. But we're all still here, so whatever. That's Noah and his Wife in the back right getting it on, very much included in my "Fantasy Character" category. Take that religion. That's Megavolt from Darkwing Duck in your bottom left, having a grand old time by himself. We won't get into what's going on with Buzz and Woody. We've got some potential bestiality in the back as Goofy gives it a shot with the princess. All topped off with enough pacifiers and fuzzy teddy bears for all of our rolling friends. Also, I just really love those candles. The cake is from a box, but the frosting was homemade Kahlua Chocolate Buttercream*.
Lastly, for my recent birthday Mac made the aptly titled "Zombie Apocalypse Disrupts the Royal Honeymoon":
The teeth....so perfect.
While it seems like a potentially difficult task, making your own bizarro cake is really easy. The Dollar Store is your friend. As you walk up and down the aisles and see things you like, grab them. It doesn't matter if they fit together, you can make them fit later (See above, Dinosaurs and Bibles). The theme doesn't necessarily have to fit the personality of the person your making it for, but should at least match their sense of humor. Also, wash these things before they go on the cake, because you do NOT know where they've been.
In general, just have fun with it! The said birthday person will appreciate the hard work, and will never forget that time you made them the cake that included both He Man AND dismembered children.
Kahlua Chocolate Buttercream Frosting:
Now I could probably write a novel on how awesome Justin is and why I love him, but in an effort to save time I'll just give you what you need to know: He's the best guy ever, if you don't know him well, your life probably sucks because of it.
Justin have been my best friend since I've been a freshman in high school. When his birthday had rolled around that year I decided that I wanted to make him something food related, because, if you know Justin, you know he is the one man for whom it is physically possible to eat continuously forever and ever. It's true. I've seen it.
I decided to make him a cake, and the idea stuck me to make a cake that looked like him. At the time he had the most ridiculously awesome 1 foot tall green mohawk, which we occasionally spiked with glitter glue. His face on a cake would look PERFECT. After attempting to draw endless stencils so that I might carve out a silhouette on a sheet cake, I realized I can't draw worth crap, and looked to other options. At Michael's Craft Store I found a mold for a 3d round cake, and the idea just snowballed from there. I baked the round cake, cut it and half and put it flat side down on a plate. I had his head. I baked a separate sheet cake and cut out triangular pieces, frosted them green, and had them run across the top of the head using toothpicks. I had the mohawk. I put some googly eyes on it, and nose, and Hot Damn! It looked like Justin. He loved the hell out of that thing, and ate every bite of it. I know picture proof of it exists somewhere, and once I find it, it will surely be posted here.
Our next project occurred 2 years later, for our friend Mike's Birthday. We were throwing him a surprise party at Justin's house while his parents were out of town (ahh our devious high school ways....expect for the fact that there was definitely no booze, and a ton of video games instead...so, not really). Mike loved He Man, so we decided his cake should include that. After going to Big Y and realizing the bakery did not make He Man cakes for kids, understandably so seeing as we were about 10 years too late for that fad, it dawned on us. A cake is just a big canvas. We could buy action figures and plastic trees and animals and make our own He Man cake! Brilliant!
Being cheap as we were at the time, we stopped at the local Dollar Store in hopes of finding He Man there. Of course he wasn't, as well as any other copyrighted character, but we did stumble upon something else. The Dollar Store had a cake decorating section, and in there was a package of babies. Tiny, plastic babies. For baby showers I'm sure....but we had other plans. We didn't know what that was, but we were confident in figuring it out. We procured a real He Man action figure from a real toy store, got some multicolored frosting, and went home to create.
Now I don't remember whose idea it was. But all of a sudden it was clear as day: He Man and the Day of Total Baby Destruction. We perched He Man in the middle of his battlefield, and in his fist he's clutching a tiny baby. We spent over an hour using steak knives to dismember the package of babies in various ways, sprinkling the limbs over our canvass. My favorite part was the "Happy Birthday Mike" written connected in blood, aka red cake gel, which is all connected to a dying baby crawling away from the scene with no legs.
If at this point you find yourself offended, I advise you to hit your "Back" button now.
Mike was speechless. I've never seen someone so happy about their birthday cake in my life. We didn't know it then, but we started something in my mind that day. Flash forward 7 years later, and it's Justin's birthday again. The Stoned Soup Club had taken it upon themselves to provide the cake, and Mac and I were brainstorming on what to do. All of a sudden I remembered what we had done in high school, and that we should bring that back. So we got in my car and went on a bone cruise to the Haven of Good Ideas, the Dollar Store. I had a theory about how the whole bizarro cake producing process worked, now that we were old enough to have been exposed to the wonderful world of drugs. Get high, and wander around the toy/cake decorating section aimlessly until the idea comes to you. Turns out, I was right. Worked every time.
For his birthday, we ended up with this lovely gem, titled "Creationism vs Evolution":
Yes, those are dinosaurs, and yes, they are eating bibles. The bibles we found were blank, so we gave a bunch of them out as assignments for the project to write something good on the inside. I don't remember any of them except "On the 8th day, he partied", but trust me, they were good. Now its hard to see on this, but behind the cactus and sign there is one dinosaur eating the other, which was included because we thought it looked too much like Science was trumping Religion, and we wanted to be diplomatic about the whole argument, so we added some inter species violence to balance things out. Also note the "Chicken vs Egg" debate in the lower right, which was inspired from a fast food play set. Since when are fried eggs fast food BTW? And PS, this is all much funnier if you know that Justin is actually Jewish.
For Mac's most recent birthday, I constructed "Fantasy Character Birthday Rave in G Minor":
I used glowsticks to form Mac's first initial, which I was secretly terrified was going to unbeknown to us leak in the cake and kill everyone who ate it. But we're all still here, so whatever. That's Noah and his Wife in the back right getting it on, very much included in my "Fantasy Character" category. Take that religion. That's Megavolt from Darkwing Duck in your bottom left, having a grand old time by himself. We won't get into what's going on with Buzz and Woody. We've got some potential bestiality in the back as Goofy gives it a shot with the princess. All topped off with enough pacifiers and fuzzy teddy bears for all of our rolling friends. Also, I just really love those candles. The cake is from a box, but the frosting was homemade Kahlua Chocolate Buttercream*.
Lastly, for my recent birthday Mac made the aptly titled "Zombie Apocalypse Disrupts the Royal Honeymoon":
The teeth....so perfect.
While it seems like a potentially difficult task, making your own bizarro cake is really easy. The Dollar Store is your friend. As you walk up and down the aisles and see things you like, grab them. It doesn't matter if they fit together, you can make them fit later (See above, Dinosaurs and Bibles). The theme doesn't necessarily have to fit the personality of the person your making it for, but should at least match their sense of humor. Also, wash these things before they go on the cake, because you do NOT know where they've been.
In general, just have fun with it! The said birthday person will appreciate the hard work, and will never forget that time you made them the cake that included both He Man AND dismembered children.
Kahlua Chocolate Buttercream Frosting:
- 6 Tbsp butter
- 1 lb. powdered sugar
- 3 Tbsp. unsweetened cocoa powder
- 4 Tbsp. Kahlua
- 2-3 Tbsp. hot coffee
In large bowl, cream together butter and powdered sugar. Add cocoa powder, Kahlua and hot coffee. Beat until smooth.
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